I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
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Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.