I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
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You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?