My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
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Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.