But I really needed water water water
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*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.