This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
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Kentucky names the shit out of places
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work