Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
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On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Lol
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*