Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
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Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Spider-cat: No One Home
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.