Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
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After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.