Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
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Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.