[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
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Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
That’s enough internet for the day
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.