This is true.
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“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
oppen heimer style lol
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance