Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
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(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school