[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
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Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.