Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
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hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.