a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
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LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
spicy snake
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that