We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
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Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Sponch
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.