I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
You Might Also Like
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
When can I start eating bats again.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
i spent way too long on this
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Inside you there are two wolves
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?