[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
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Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
me after eating Cheetos
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
23. the denim jacket