Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
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*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I mean…but I did
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.