Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
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The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
what’s more important?
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.