when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
You Might Also Like
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Just a friendly reminder!
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
dads on road-trips be like
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift