Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
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My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir