From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
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how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…