I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
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Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.