Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
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OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
no
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Good Morning.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.