The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
this is 10/10 content no notes
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.