Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
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3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you