look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
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These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.