Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
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“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
how much for the angry fruit?
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!