Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
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[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Me buying fruit and veg
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
This is always good for a laugh.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables