THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
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“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!