DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
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Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.