I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
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SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning