The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
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I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.