Me too
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Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”