Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
You Might Also Like
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.