5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
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Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
A new level of troll.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf