Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
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[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house