My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
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Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.