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My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left