[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
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to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
guys I’m going home
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop