I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
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Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER