Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
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Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor