Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
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[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.