I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
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“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
I only say stupid things when I talk.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
congratulations to them
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses