Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
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What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
#winning
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]