You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
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my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
how it started vs how it ended
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
#SCOTUS one-star review
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.