Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
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Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I have never related to a cat more
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My whole life was a lie.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
(2022)
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO