The best plant holders?
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The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Need WebMD
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.