WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
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[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…